| Pandareus |
10 juli 2015 12:08 |
Citaat:
Oorspronkelijk geplaatst door Schelfie
(Bericht 7734783)
Gaat nogal moeilijk, jongen. Mocht hij al geleefd hebben is hij intussen ruim 2.000 jaar dood en begraven en zijn vlees vergaan.
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Volgens Uncyclopedia.wiki is er wetenschappelijk bewijs dat Jesus Raptor wel degelijk leefde.
Citaat:
“He went extinct for your sins to save you from Satanasaurus Rex”
~ Cretaceous 3:27
“Beware the VelociRapture and the second coming of Raptor Jesus...”
~ Crazy Religious Drunk
“The Corinthians' third letter to Raptor Jesus came back slashed and stained with blood.”
~ The DiploPope
Raptor Jesus roamed the Earth back when God Himself was still only a teenager. His execution is thought to be the cause of the extinction of the dinosaurs, as God was mad at the Romans for aiding in His son's death twice. Raptor Jesus attended Michigan State University where he double majored Philosophy and Human Sexuality. Raptor Jesus went on to earn his PhD in aerospace engineering at University of Florida. Later, Raptor Jesus got bored, so he went on to receive his CPA certification in the state of New Jersey. His academic career was constantly challenged by his ladysmanship. He did become the manager at Hooters. He has retired to El Paso, Texas, where he is considering opening a crochet supply boutique with an elderly prostitute.
Contents[show]
During the Mesozoic era, God went through an experimental Scales phase, similar to Picasso's Blue period. Rather than making beings in his own image, he populated the Earth with giant lumbering reptiles. Other scriptures such as the Dead Primordial Sea scrolls suggest that God was actually a dinosaur during his teens, and was the true inspiration for Godzilla.
While known to themselves as "Giant Awesomes", dinosaurs kept no written records, so scientists did not learn their real name until modern technology made it possible to read their fossilized minds. At first, the dinosaurs rampaged at will, eating each other, stepping on houses, and generally causing major property damage. God was forced to intervene when His mother found out about the world He had created, and ordered Him to "clean up this mess before your father gets home."
Unwilling to enter His world, God created Raptor Jesus. Raptor Jesus's primary role on Earth was to convert the dinosaurs from the paganistic theory of Evolution by fostering a new belief in Intelligent Design. Opponents of his theory, primarily the Romans, viciously attacked Him and His followers, condemning them to extinction via PBS and really bad singing.
God had originally intended Raptor Jesus to simply preach to his fellow dinosaurs, however his early doctrine consisted mostly of low production value skits and rewrites of Metallica songs. In order to impress the dinosaur brethren in higher numbers, God's Secretary of Divine Intervention, Triceratops Goldbaum granted Raptor Jesus the ability to perform miracles with a temporary license, based on his fantastically low credit score and W-2.
Raptorjesuscuwn
The following year, Raptor Jesus overnight built an entire town of self sustaining low income subsidized housing for his followers. He was hailed a saint by Dinosaur Greenpeace, and that night held a feast of 1,000 souls. During the feast, Raptor Jesus raped an amputee with the sole purpose of having her spawn new limbs. However, although she did gain new limbs, she remained paralyzed in all of them, after all he was just one raptor. Raptor Jesus has also been credited with the ability to turn water into factory fresh Diet Fresca™. Further miracles are still attributed to Raptor Jesus to this day. It has been proven that people suffering from cancer who call of Raptor Jesus experience momentary feelings of health. Chuck Norris calls on Raptor Jesus to give him his strength in every roundhouse kick he performs.
Could the failure of an Xbox anti-gravity drive system caused by God have resulted in the extinction of Raptor Jesus in 65 million BHC?
By his early twenties, God grew bored of reptiles. Raptor Jesus' good intentions, kindness to his fellow reptiles, and impressive water walking skills had converted the entire dinosaur population.
Lizardonwater
Raptor Jesus in the Freestyle Swim Event, Dino Olympics, 65 Billion BHC.
God felt that His game had gotten so effing lame that He wiped out the dinosaurs by smashing the earth with a giant asteroid Xbox (though some, primarily Raptor Gnostics, claim it was a Wii) and started over. Some have argued that it was a PS3 that was actually involved in the impact, scientists claim this has been proven false since something as lame as a playstation is incapable of anything.
Other scholars attribute the extinction to Raptor Jesus's environmentally friendly certification, which had low standards on the Paleozoic.
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bron : http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Raptor_Jesus |
